Marriage: Giving Love a Bad Name

For once I would like to stray a bit from my typical subjects of religion and philosophy.  Today I would like to talk about the big “M”…that’s right Marriage.

As I get older I have started to think more and more seriously about marriage.  I have noticed that there have been several people around me who have been married and from what I can tell are very happy (which Is why I hate them).  As a male in my twenties, I have developed a few questions?  What is marriage?  What is love?  Do they have anything to do with each other?  What are the requirements for a person to get married?

Everyone seems to realize that there is a problem with marriage (at least in the US).  There are many who call for a defense of marriage against the ills of homosexuality and the like (I will not discuss gay marriage here but you can guess what my views are from my previous posts).  Despite views on gay marriage it seems clear that marriage needs help.  The rate of divorce is over 50%.   When the chances of having a successful marriage are about the same as a coin toss there is a problem.

But in order to protect/support/defend marriage we need to know what it is.  This is not simple task.  Is marriage a function of love? Is it just a function of reproduction as many have claimed?  Who should get married?  Is age a factor? Everyone seems to have different definitions of marriage and love.  That makes sense as marriage is typically considered a rather intimate affair.  Perhaps the real question is what do marriage and love mean to you?

I think one of the largest problems facing us as we approach the battlefield that is marriage is our own expectation.  Many of us growing up, myself included, have been exposed to the Disney ideal of marriage.  Of course there are some major problems with these ideals.  Lets look at Cinderella. Cinderella is the focus of the story as with many of these storybook romances.  This gives me the impression that men are really not that important to marriage process.  As a matter of fact, men tend to be very neutral and passive in many of these romance stories.  The prince is around to slay some dragon (who does not appear in this movie) but that is pretty much it.  The male characters are typically not well developed.  But imagine if every couple had to slay a dragon before they could be married…that would be interesting.

But men are by no means the only ones harmed by these stories.  Sleeping Beauty:  In this one the female is SLEEPING for most story!  It does not get much more passive than that.  Meanwhile the prince has to overcome all manner of obstacles (dragons, witches, federal legislatures) just to wake the girl up.  And we are to believe that once the obstacle is overcome (which Sleeping Beauty did not assist with by the way) that the marriage will be all happy?  How do we know the princess wont wake up and say “Sorry. You are not my type.  But how did that dragon thing work out for you?”

And does anyone remember the characters names?  The characters are so ill developed as to allow the five-year-old viewer to put them selves into the shoes of their corresponding gender character (sorry princesses charming).  But what is it that attracts the characters in the first place?  Do they have any genuine chemistry?  Is it a sense of obligation after the dead dragon?  Is it old school marriage tradition?  Or is it just so heart warming that we need an unrealistic happy marriage ending?

But not all Disney movies are trying to kill or marriages.  I think Aladdin is probably the best example for marriage (Honorable mention to Beauty and the Beast).  Now let me be honest, Aladdin is my favorite Disney movie and not just because it is malecentric.  Firstly, the characters are well developed and each have their own challenges to over come in life.  Aladdin and Jasmine are from different social classes and manage to find a way to overcome the challenges of their social norms.  At one point Jasmine asserts her individuality by telling the male characters “I am not a prize to be one!”  Furthermore, after the dragon was defeated, which in this case turned out to be a snake (kinda), Aladdin and Jasmine DID NOT GET MARRIED.  They waited until the third.

During the course of the third movie (we do not speak of the second) Aladdin and Jasmine had to face challenges that real couples have to face: issues of family, honesty, conflict resolution, values and giant turtles.  Only AFTER overcoming these obstacles as a couple did Aladdin and Jasmine get married.

Perhaps you feel I have been unfair to Disney.  Maybe I am taking these cartoon movies too seriously (I’m not!).  But the fact of the matter is that we need to reexamine how we look at marriage and where our ideals and priorities come from.  It is important to keep our presuppositions about marriage, love, relationships, and dragons, in their proper place as we approach marriage.

Too often we develop an image of a marriage and a relationship early in our lives.  We then try to find a person to fit the mold that we have already created.  That is not a reasonable way to approach marriage.   We cannot expect to find someone to meet the ideals we developed at the age of five.  Instead we should be open to a developing and maturing relationship with another person.  When you find someone you love, you and that person should establish your own ideals, goals and values rather than trying to change each other to fit unreasonable standards.

As for me:  I do not expect to get married but I hope to.  I hope that some day I will be able to feel confident in a fifty-fifty relationship with a woman that I cannot help but spend the rest of my life with.  Then, and only then, she can propose to me but not with a ring.  She will propose to me with a battle ready sword to signify our love and my masculine authority